Love, Luck, And Narcissism When Popular Culture
Gets It Wrong
Geraldine K. Piorkowski, Ph. D.
In Love, Luck, and Narcissism: When Popular Culture Gets
It Wrong, a retired clinical psychologist, Dr. Geraldine K. Piorkowski, with
more than fifty years of experience offers an intriguing series of insights
that challenge the modern self-help obsession with relentless positivity. The
book begins with a surprising truth: positive thinking is not always helpful.
When it bypasses grief, doubt, disappointment, or loss, it can distort reality,
impair judgment, and interfere with genuine emotional healing
BOOK REVIEWS:
“Barbara Jones
The second edition of this book imparts the same wisdom as the first—from a clinical psychologist who has “been there and done that” for more than fifty years. This gift to a troubled world could not be delivered more succinctly, as in: “You can’t make anybody do anything.” Dr. Piorkowski’s deceptively brief and easy-to-read book packs a punch we need to navigate today’s U.S. society increasingly filled with social media platitudes and narcissism.
One of my favorite chapters explains why “Suzy Sunshine” doesn’t help anyone with vacuous positive thinking. Such an attitude can actually prevent depressed people from getting the professional help they need. Piorkowski also points out the role of “luck” in one’s life. It is all well and good to “pull yourself up by the bootstraps,” but some have more tools than others.
The chapter on vulnerability is very compelling. Because U.S. culture often masks vulnerability with false bravado and machismo, I found her background on passive-aggressive behavior and other “adjustments” valuable for understanding everyone from fellow workers to political leaders.
I was pleased with the discussion of “empathy.” We can read about it but we can’t understand empathy until we get to know people whose life journeys differ dramatically from ours. I was also pleased to see “empathy” attached to “healthy religion.” Clients have made it clear that religious expressions such as prayer and good works have helped them heal. Piorkowski digs even more deeply to identify those factors that can make some religious activity unhelpful or even harmful.
Piorkowski’s 8 chapters are not only memorable, but also helpful for remembering that they apply to most of us—that we share a common humanity with those who differ from us in such areas as ethnicity and economic status. Piorkowski does not pull any punches, and she definitely does not romanticize our journey, but I still finished the book more hopeful than when I began.
“Betty Jo Birkhahn-Rommelfanger
In a time of division, fear, isolation and an upsurge of violence i personal relations, our communities and world, "Love, Luck and Narcissism: When Popular Culture Gets It Wrong" speaks volumes in navigating life. Dr. Geraldine Piorkowski has offered her wisdom and experience in a book that is highly readable and relates to our lives in profound ways. As a pastor who looks for resources for counseling and preaching, I recommend it as it deals with how to be truly accepting of our humanness. This is a book for people willing to do some serious self reflection. The struggles of love, relationship, sadness, anger, depression, vulnerability and so much more, even narcissism is expressed in real examples. She encourages healthy anger and narcissism, but warns against the extremes. I appreciated her taking on the destructiveness of violence focused on ourselves or others. Whether it be spanking or torture, violence only harms everyone for life. The chapter on "You Can't Make Anybody Do Anything" says it all! The book addresses universal truths that become personal as she writes "we all need to be understood." Her final chapter deals with empathy and healthy religion or spirituality that is essential in "self understanding in order to develop our potential as human beings." Healthy religion moves beyond bigotry and exclusivity to a universal experience that values each person and is necessary to restore wholeness and peace.
Rev. Betty Jo "B.J." Birkhahn-Rommelfanger, United Methodist Pastor
but warns against the extremes. I appreciated her taking on the destructive
Love, Luck and Narcissism: when Popular Culture Gets it Wrong"
“Valarie
Geraldine discusses topics that we most often overlook. We get to see that positive thinking is not always a solution we should jump to, as at times it may be more destructive than we think. We also learn that we cannot make anyone do anything. The decision to do anything is ultimately up to them. The analysis does not end here. The author goes on to further discuss punishment, the role of luck in our lives, and even religion. This is a book to consider if you enjoy topics that spark insightful discussions and explore controversial issues."
“Kimster
This is a second, updated editon to Dr. Piorkowski's first book, "Beyond Pipe Dreams and Platitudes." I recommend this book highly to anyone searching for insights about themselves, others, finding meaning, and dealing with vulnerabilities. This book gets to the point quickly about many issues that complicate human relationships from the "insider view" of a well respected Chicago psychologist/therapist, Dr. Geraldine Piorkowski, who has helped many over the years. It is refreshing, direct, and honest about the human condiiton. This book speaks well to the general public with its pithy chapters easily "digestible" for digitally distracted 21st century moderns. And the topics are both universal and timely. For example, how should a parent balance praising with NOT praising a child to help develop better self esteem? Where does anger come from? How do we deal with what is not under our control? The book has one of the best explanations for empathy that I have ever read--beautifully, simply defined. It may also stimulate ideas in those who are already in psychotherapy or those searching for guidelines on their own. This book's "cut to the chase" realism opens up new creative, hopeful space to connect more meaningfully with ourselves and others."
“Kathleen Gallo
Author’s experience, thoughtfulness and insight shine throughout the eight interesting essays. Since I stopped reading the book, I have been reflecting on it.
The book clarified for me when anger is useful and powerful but also when it is not. I learned from the author that when anger is coupled with feelings of entitlement, narcissists and others who believe they’re always right have a hard time listening to others. But I also learned that narcissism can have a healthy side, i.e., when we enjoy our successes and rejoice in our talents without demeaning others.
Other of the author’s insights that affected me were:
(a) Luck or chance influences us way more than we know. We cannot choose our parents and early environment while accidents, illness or one mistake can change a life’s trajectory overnight.
(b) Positive thinking is sometimes a mistake, especially when it interferes with our judgment and bypasses the normal processing of losses and disappointments.
I loved the first edition, “Beyond Pipe Dreams and Platitudes”, but the second edition “Love, Luck and Narcissism,” is even better. I strongly recommend giving it a read.
“Alice Bernstein, Ph.D.
This book is a wise, easy to understand, and wide-ranging analysis of present day life in the U.S.A. from the psychological point of view. "Love, Luck, and Narcissism: When Popular Culture Gets It Wrong" will expand readers' understanding of themselves and others, with many engaging examples from Dr. Piorkowski's personal and professional experience. Particularly notable are the chapters on "Intimacy", which unravels the reasons why love is so difficult and easily damaged, and on "Vulnerability" and "Empathy", exploring important aspects of friendship and love. Unlike authors who exaggerate the importance of self-creation, Dr. Piorkowski illuminates the role of luck in life and how misinterpretation of its impact can lead to either false pride or undeserved self-depreciation. Her final chapter points out the universal values of religion which counterbalance the narcissism, materialism and violence that too often are part of modern life. This is the slightly revised Second Addition of this book, which was previously published as "Beyond Pipe Dreams and Platitudes".
BEYOND
PIPE DREAMS
AND
PLATITUDES
Insights on Love, Luck, and
Narcissism from a Longtime
Psychologist
Geraldine K. Piorkowski, Ph. D.
This book is a collection of eight essays that was written to communicate what the author learned working with people of all ages, sexual orientations, and walks of life for over fifty years. Besides reaffirming that all people are fundamentally the same, she discovered many psychological realities that run counter to popular culture. Among her insights is the observation that positive thinking does more harm than good at times, especially when it bypasses the normal processing of negative events and emotions. Another cultural misdirection is the overemphasis on romantic love as the be-all and end-all of existence, where unrealistic expectations lead to love’s downfall. She also notes that unhealthy narcissism, which runs rampant in American culture, is quite different from the healthy variety that is the bedrock of self-love.
Winner in the CIPA EVVY AWARDS Competition (2021)
in the Cultural Studies/Social Issues Category
These illuminating and provocative essays, titled
1) Positive Thinking Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be,
2) When Is Madness Better than Sadness?
3) Romantic Love Is Mostly an Illusion,
4) Vulnerable People Are More Likeable than Super-Confident Ones,
5) You Can't Make Anybody Do Anything,
6) Luck or Chance Has Been Badly Underrated,
7) A Smidgen of Narcissism Adds Joy and Spice to Life, and
8) Empathy and Healthy Religion Go Hand in Hand, all provide a new understanding of psychological health and well-being.
BOOK REVIEWS:
“Kirkus Review
A clinical psychologist offers a collection of insights into human nature.
Ruminating on 50 years of professional experience, Piorkowski opens this book with a burst of stern realism: “when we suffer pain, rejection, disappointment, loss, disease, death, and/or catastrophe…happy talk, whistling in the dark, or putting on a happy face do not work,” she writes. “They interfere with problem-solving and action.” The bulk of the book concentrates on how to tackle such difficulties while also holding forth on the nature of several aspects of everyday existence. She describes romantic love, for instance, as a social construct that, shorn of sustaining factors, is “subject to the love-eradicating effects of ordinary routine.” Likewise, she reevaluates the idea of autonomy and self-esteem; for instance, she advocates allowing children latitude in following their own paths instead of their mothers’ and fathers’ commands: “Only by opposing the will of our parents and other caretakers do we begin to strengthen our own resolve,” she writes, effectively expanding the subject to include an application to her adult readers’ lives: “Only by resistance can we feel our own strength.” In passages such as these, Piorkowski proves to be a pithy and highly readable guide, taking an authoritative tone without ever coming across as pompous. The ambitious range of the book—which even weighs in on the ineffectiveness of torture—is so unpredictable that it’s consistently compelling. In addition, the author includes winning notes of empathy throughout, putting her firmly on the side of her readers.
An intriguing and inviting series of observations on life’s motivations.”
“Dr. Kimberly Merenkov, Physician, Psychiatrist
I just finished Dr. Piorkowski’s book, BEYOND PIPE DREAMS AND PLATITUDES, today in snowy Chicago. I highly recommend this to anyone searching for insights about themselves, others, finding meaning, and dealing with our limitations. This book is pithy—it gets to the point about many issues that the general public may wonder about. It is refreshing, direct, and HONEST about our potential strengths and struggles in life, touching upon some of the dilemmas in our current culture. It has one of the best explanations for empathy, I have ever read—beautifully, simply defined. This book may help stimulate ideas in those who are already in psychotherapy or those searching for guidelines on their own.”
“Readers Favorite Book Review by Lesley Jones
Beyond Pipe Dreams And Platitudes is a compilation of essays in which clinical psychologist Dr. Geraldine K. Piorkowski shares her knowledge from fifty years of working with people from diverse socio-economic, racial, and cultural backgrounds Throughout these eight insightful essays, we examine the hopes, fears, and anxieties that bind every person in society. This book gave me such a clear understanding of why individuals believe and behave the way they do that it piqued my interest to read more of the research data and behavioral studies detailed, which backed up the arguments put forward. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their relationships with others and gain a deeper understanding of human behavior.”
“Dr. Richard A. Steffy, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Waterloo, Canada
Timeless wisdom for all ages! Dr. Piorkowski's easy-to-follow writing style provides evidence of scholarship about many of the stresses in peoples' lives. Of special value are Dr. Piorkowski's views about tangled lives; her views do not rely on a simplistic sentimentality. Indeed, a portion of her book seeks to debunk "sacred cow" concepts, such as the "power of positive thinking," the unlimited power of romantic love, the notion that all varieties of anger are equally destructive, that all narcissism is unfortunate. This precious book deserves a location on a shelf that family members of all ages can access..”
“Dennis Gieser, DDS
Seldom does one experience an attention-grabbing psychology book that challenges established notions about so many relatable topics, and does it in such a concise and easily readable fashion.”
“Alice Bernstein, Ph. D.
Dr. Piorkowski's book is a wise, approachable, and wide-ranging analysis of contemporary life in the U.S.A. from the psychological point of view. "Beyond Pipe Dreams and Platitudes" will enrich readers’ understanding of themselves and others, with many relatable examples from Dr. Piorkowski's personal and professional experience.”
Anon, Review
“
In Dr. Piorkowski’s book, BEYOND PIPE DREAMS AND PLATITUDES, I especially valued her ability to turn complicated psychological ideas into everyday language.”
NJC
“
I found the book quite interesting, filled with insights and perspectives which very often rang true and made me ask, “Why didn’t I see that before?” Here’s a book for anyone willing to see another perspective of what, perhaps, too many of us readily accept as dogma.”
Moonbeam
“
Wish I would have had these insights decades ago, maybe I would have made 'better' choices. Now I am moving into my retirement phase in life and frightened of the single scene. I learned a bit about myself in reflection reading this book and hope my eyes will be open going forward.”
Mary Carlyle Carter
“
I was impressed by the author's insights and knowledge of human behavior. As a writer and editor of educational materials, I was also impressed by her writing style: clear explanations, real-life examples to illustrate her statements, summaries at the end of each chapter, and citations to back up her findings.”
Kathleen Gallo
“
The author’s experience and thoughtfulness show throughout the eight interesting essays in this memoir. By the end of the book, I felt I had a better understanding of why America has become so divided and left with some thoughts of issues we need to address if we are to change that.”
Amela Parganlija
“
I am not the one to write reviews, ever, but this time I absolutely had to. Dr. Piorkowski opened my eyes to human behavior. She sure knows what she is talking about. After all Dr. Piorkowski has been in this business for over 50 years.”
Ann Matasar, Ph.D.
“
This book is an interesting read. Dr. Piorkowski's choice of topics such as positive thinking, anger, narcissism, romance, success, and the vagaries of life as well as empathy and religion reflect her extensive and varied career as a clinical psychologist who has been an academic, researcher, and scholar as well as a therapist.”
Jon Piorkowski
“
Dr. Piorkowski discusses 8 practical conclusions from 50 years of practice! She has helped many patients navigate the difficulties of life and overcome the obstacles that stand in the way. A MUST-READ!!! Her conclusions are thought-provoking and deserve to be pondered by those who want healthy relationships with not only others but themselves!”
EXCERPTS:
A) “I think it is safe to say that positive thinking is not always helpful. Platitudes (trite remarks used too often to be interesting or thoughtful) and happy talk do not prepare us for disasters lying just ahead. Every cloud does not have a silver lining, nor is there a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.” p.iv.
B) “By way of scores of dating sites flourishing on the Internet, we run blindly toward the Promised Land of Eternal Love. We buy romantic novels, read manuals devoted to orgasmic ecstasy, and watch sophomoric movies filled with hormone-saturated teenagers groping their way to fulfillment. And yet, all this cultural energy devoted to love’s arousal and maintenance doesn’t alter the reality that romantic love (sexual feelings and emotional closeness) is basically an illusion.” p. vi.
C) “The United States is a country with entitlement and narcissism galore at the upper rungs of the social ladder, and at the lower end, many embittered, self-deprecating souls with little self-esteem. The widespread availability of social media enables us to measure our accomplishments regularly against those of our peers, and if we are doing better, we feel superior. If we are not doing as well, however, we wind up feeling deflated and inadequate. The reality that most achievers come from high-status families with many social and economic advantages gets lost in our self-appraisals and judgments of others, and the opposite awareness—that many low achievers come from impoverished families with few resources—is likewise missing in our evaluations.” P. 104.